My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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