Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
