just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
