I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
