I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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