Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
