Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
