y did u give ur computer a hand job?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize