Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
