i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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