On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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