I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
