I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize