I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
