You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
