can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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