how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
