Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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