i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
