"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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