Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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