So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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