nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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