I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
