I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
