If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
