shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
