you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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