Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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