I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
