Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
