please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
