I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
