Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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