I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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