I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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