wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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