pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
