What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
