I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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