I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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