I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
