Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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