1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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