Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We're too hungover to prance.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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