it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
