im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize