im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
