quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
