Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You can't motorboat a personality
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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