Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
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