Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
