Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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