For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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