I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
