If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Randomize
