he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
