who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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