So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
