Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
