8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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