I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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