sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Can I color on your dick again?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
