Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
