Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
