If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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