from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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