Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
