I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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